#9 Becoming Newsworthy during an Election

There is nothing we bald guys like more than proving that we matter. The more hair we lose, the less significance we have and who matters more right now than the undecided voter? no one. Leave it to the brilliant bald man to step into that role, and for a few days at least, Joe the Plumber, proved that he mattered. What shouldn't matter is that his name is actually Sam, that he doesn't actually have a plumber's license and the business he said he was going to buy actually makes about $100,000/year, not the $200,000 that Joe, I mean, Sam estimated.

The only thing that matters is that the bald man matters in this election. At the Town Hall debate, their were 3 bald men in the same section representing undecided voters in Ohio... as well as bald men all over the world. We'll ask the tough questions and then pretend that we represent a party that the tough question we just asked would matter to. We also will attend that town hall debate, arrive 10 minutes before everyone else and make sure that we can sit no more that 3 feet away from another bald man. We travel in packs, like a tribe, with the tattoos to prove it, and we will find a way to matter in this world.

#8 Tattoos

According to the International Society of Hair Restoration Surgery, "It is estimated that 35 million men in the United States are affected by male pattern baldness or androgenetic alopecia" What that means, is that something that lasts forever for most people (hair), does not last forever for baldys. So it makes sense, that tattoos, something that absolutely lasts forever, would be something that we bald men would covet. Tribal tattoos seem to be the tattoo of choice, as they also allow us to pretend that we are a part of something, instead of the outcasts that have been cast aside by all of those with flowing locks. They allow us to feel like we are all on the same team or tribe; the same weird, hairless tribe. And our tribe meetings occur at the beginning of parties, where we can congregate and wait for the rest of the guests who arrive 10 minutes later than us, because they had to fix their hair.

#7 business casual

Bald guys love love paying the bills.  We especially love paying the bills with a job that allows us to keep that top button, right below our goatee, unbuttoned, to give the face sweater vest a little air. Whether we are casually looking over the shoulder of a subordinate to make sure they are typing the right things into the computer and then looking up to get our picture taken, or meeting with someone from the corporate offices, the step down in formality really allows us to get our work done.  We like our view from the middle class and we'll take our yearly raises without any additional responsibility until we are ready to retire. 

#6 Body Wash

After losing all the hair in the only socially acceptable place on the body to have hair, guys need to start paying extra attention to the rest of their body. Instead of giving up on life, start treating the head like it's just another part of your body that is no longer special, like your elbow or heel. Those places have barely any hair on them too.

But just because we no longer have a need for shampoo, that doesn't mean we shouldn't be squeezing something out of a bottle when we take our showers or baths. The picture above (right) is the stuff that I use and I'm not even gay (pretty sure). The other stuff is geared specifically to bald guys, without saying, "hey, you don't really need shampoo anymore, save some time, just use this shit... Old Spice body wash, for people (just men hopefully), who have hair everywhere except for where their supposed to."

#5 The picture that speaks to bald men everywhere

#4 Scars or cuts on the face

Because it makes us feel like we've been in an action movie. (not a domestic dispute)

#3 Action Movies

Specifically any of the 4 Die Hards or any movie starring Jason Statham (i.e. Transporter, Snatch, Transporter 2, The Italian Job, Transporter 3, The Bank Job, Revolver)  These movies are marketed at men, but more specifically bald men who lost their hair way too soon and just aren't putting up with your shit anymore.  In almost all of these movies, the bad guy is blessed with a beautiful mane of hair that is just begging for a windy day and in all of these movies the bald bad ass gets to kill that guy.  Bald guys especially like bringing their girlfriends to these movies, as if to say, "Look at all the ass us bald guys can kick, while we're not putting product in our hair."

Bruce Willis is basically the mascot for aspiring bald bad asses everywhere.  It's no coincidence that the goatee became a bald man's calling card as soon as Bruce was seen wearing one.  I mean he was married to Demi Moore.  Bald guys are more than willing to ignore the fact that shortly after unveiling the goatee, Demi Moore left him for a guy who will be using product in his hair for the rest of his life.

#2 Goatees

Bald guys love shaving the sleaves off their beard and going with the sweater vest for the face.  There could be another website dedicated to what guys with goatees like, for example, Nascar, American Eagle and domestic violence.  The thinking behind giving oneself a goatee differs, but it ranges from, "I gotta look nice for my Blockbuster Video interview" to "I start community college tomorrow, I gotta do something different"  Regardless, hair must be located immediately around my mouth, but not on my cheeks, head or neck.

#1 Facial Hair

Just to prove that we can grow hair somewhere, bald guys love growing facial hair.  What this does is make the haircut about the entire face and not just the head (where a haircut is no longer needed)  While we feel like it takes attention away from the lack of hair on the part of the body where 80% of heat escapes from, it actually highlights it, like a florescent marker on an important piece of text that you don't want to forget.  For example, the Gettysburg address was delivered on the afternoon of Thursday, November 19, 1863, during the American Civil War, or Protons are observed to be stable and their theoretical minimum half-life is 1x10^36 years or "Hey, look at my facial hair, i can grow hair whereever i want, don't look at my head, damn it you looked at my head, im bald and now you'll never forget it."  Something bald guys like even more specifically...